Rejected Dictionary Entries
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Stuff to Think About
Would you kill for a Nobel Peace Prize?
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
What's the speed of dark?
How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
see more Epic Fails
How to Change Your Oil
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.
Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.
Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
see more Epic Fails
What?
1. I want patience and I want it now!
2. Dichotomy is the root of all evil.
3. Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.
4. I cannot tolerate intolerance.
5. I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption that I assume you are making.
6. If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.
7. I am the most humble person on earth.
8. I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so superior that I choose not to.
9. I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.
10. I used to think that I was superior just like you but I overcame that fault years ago.
11. I'm modest and proud of it.
12. Superstition brings bad luck.
13. Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't know and I don't care.
14. Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.
15. I'm not in denial.
16. You are so judgmental.
17. Is anal retentive hyphenated?
18. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
19. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
20. Everyone's an individual, but I don't think I am.
Idiots
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
---
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back instead of $0.75 in change." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and .75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.
---
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
---
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
---
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
---
The stoplight on the corner by my house buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. One day I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
---
I recently attended a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." At the dinner our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
---
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
---
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
Relationship Advice for Women, From a Woman
Dear Ladies,
Have you ever been with a man, everything's
going great, you're feeling "loved" by him, and
your heart is just jumping out of your chest with
love for him, only to have him start using your
shoulder not to caress and kiss, but to cry on?
Where he calls so often, and wants to see you
so much you just can't understand why he refers to
you as a "friend"?
And he can't seem to do without you, but can't
commit to you, either?
And you're starting to notice that the way he
looks at other women who pass by, or the way he
talks about his "ex" is completely different than
the way he looks at you and talks about you?
If this has ever happened to you, or is
happening now, and you feel like a wonderful
"stepping stone" for a man you've been with -
where after your relationship with him is over, he
marries someone else right away - you're not
alone.
This has happened to every one of us at one
time or another, because after every relationship
that didn't work out, both you and the man went on
to other "relationships."
But just because it's happened to most of us
doesn't make it feel any better.
It feels lousy.
It makes you feel completely unattractive,
unsexy, undesirable, and lost.
It makes you feel like you don't know HOW to do
a relationship.
It always made me feel awkward, gawky, stupid,
clueless about men, and hopeless.
Until I finally, at about six months before I
met
the wonderful man who is now my wonderful husband,
"got" that it wasn't my fault!
I wasn't being a "stepping stone" for men
because there was something "wrong with me," I was
being stepped on and stepped over because that's
ALL I COULD HANDLE!
I THOUGHT I was being very "brave."
I thought I was going to turn a man who was
still hung up on his ex, seriously commitment-
challenged, financially unstable, emotionally
unhappy with his life, or even possibly gay for
heaven's sake, into MY MAN.
I was going for the ultimate accomplishment -
getting an "impossible to get" man.
I was stuck in something I finally noticed was
a part of my whole approach to a lot of my life -
I was an OBSTACLE JUMPER.
I was almost ADDICTED to the thrill of finding
a huge challenge and either jumping over it, or
plowing through it.
In terms of men, the thrill was in thinking I
could make an "unavailable man" want me.
I was so afraid, and on such a deep level, to
actually HAVE a wonderful man close and intimate,
I used all my energy to cover up that fear by
PURSUING men who were either not interested in a
serious relationship with ANY woman, or perhaps
just simply not INTO me in a serious way.
Looking back, it was sort of arrogant.
Did I think I was so special that a cold,
unresponsive, unavailable man would "change"
completely because of me?
Or that if a man wasn't initially attracted to
me, I SHOULD be able to CHANGE MYSELF enough that
he WOULD be attracted to me?
Was it my high-school fantasy I was chasing?
For a long time, that's what I thought, and so
I beat myself up about it regularly.
Now I know different.
Now I know that I just couldn't handle
closeness and intimacy.
I THOUGHT I could.
I FELT so romantic.
It was like the ancient myth of Sisyphus. The
story goes that Sisyphus was forced to spend his
life in exile, with the unending job of pushing a
huge boulder up the side of a hill, only to watch
it roll back down to the bottom at the end of
every day.
In the morning, he would have to start all
over.
And there'd never, ever be ANYTHING to show
for his efforts.
That was me.
Trying to push the rock of a relationship
uphill, only to watch it roll back down again.
And then blaming myself for letting it roll
back.
***Blaming yourself and beating yourself up is the
first place we've all been taught to go to, and
the Tools in my Heart Connection Toolkit CDs can
help you stop that old pattern.
When I discovered, through my own trial-and-error,
how to get out of the relationship pit and the
self-blame I was in, everything changed. I was
able to quickly get myself into the love life I
really wanted, and I know these Tools will help
you, too.
Instead of making everything your fault - IT
ISN'T! - you can get real self-esteem and
confidence that will ATTRACT your man closer in an
amazing and incredibly fast way.
If you'd like to learn about "The Plan" and listen
to a bit of the Toolkit, follow (or copy and
paste) this link:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/e/19440/Toolkit/?cid=ZVSYZZ&lid=3
While I was blaming myself, I completely
ignored the reality that I was pushing a man, just
like a huge rock, up the hill of Relationship.
It was clear that I didn't TRUST him to go up
the hill with me, or, even better, to LEAD me up
that hill.
As if I KNEW he didn't want to go there, and
couldn't (just because of who he was and what he
was like inside) go there - even if he'd WANTED
to.
I ignored the fact that I was CHOOSING wrong,
not BEING wrong.
There was nothing wrong with me (I was
wonderful - and so are you!), I just didn't
realize I actually had POWER over my love life.
And so I carried that wrong choosing into all
of my life, until I finally realized what I was
doing and started allowing AVAILABLE men to pursue
me.
And that's when I discovered my own fears - of
intimacy and closeness and real commitment.
And that's when I started working on it, bit by
bit, date by date, man by man, until I met my
husband and allowed him to get close enough to
touch my heart.
(And, if you've read my book, you know the
whole story about my pushing him away after we
were married and then learning how to let him come
close again.)
***Here's a letter from Faith, who's struggling
with all these same issues:
"Dear Rori, Thanks for caring. I am Faith. My
previous on and off relationship of 1 yr 3 mo. is
with Sam. We are both 44 and have a "kindred" type
of relationship.
I'm very Spiritual and optimistic, he is slightly
introverted and doubtful about most everything in
life. We started our relationship and he was
floored with the Friendship, Emotion,
Comradeship, & Sex we have.
His kids, family, and ex-wife love me. But he
seems to set me aside (as a 180 change) for "the
next best thing". This has occurred twice.
He will "drink and text" or email things like
"Damn you, get out of my mind." Not in an angry
manner. He (so much like previous relationships)
constantly treats me as if I am someone he's
"supposed to resist," while telling me I'm someone
so amazing.
He asks me to be patient. Meanwhile, he says he
must be "sure of himself" (as we all should).
He's taken up, yet again, with someone who "may"
be a nice person, but I'm feeling his options are
more shallow. She has her own franchise, owns her
waterfront home free and clear through the death
of a spouse, nice car, etc. Someone of security
with assets.
He tells me that his thoughts always come back to
me... (just like basically in all my other
relationships).
I have never been anything but patient because I
am in no hurry but would definitely commit to him
as I feel we are amazing together. I have found
that whenever he's wanted, I've been available
because I don't want to pass up an opportunity to
be with him and for him to witness what we are
together. Surprisingly, I am very at ease with him
though it's been tumultuous.
My quick history with the past 3 men I've been
with: Their words,"They love me, I'm an amazing
woman, best sex they have ever had and it feels so
spiritual in process". They think I'm pretty,
intelligent and funny.
I NEED to break this habit I seem to be creating.
I feel I am acting as their next stepping stone as
they happily advance and I'm pretty much still on
my own.
I've just ordered your CDs about mending or
reviving a previous relationship. Until I receive
them and do a marathon of listening to them, I am
not sure what to do.
I'm not sure if I should initiate some form of
contact. I've basically been laying low and just
doing nothing though I know that he's seeing this
other woman.
I want him to be happy but I believe that
happiness can be with me. I want happiness as
well but I'm tired of this rollercoaster.
Graciously, Faith"
***First, Faith sounds wonderful. Smart, calm,
good-hearted. Now she need one more piece to
turn this around.
If men are using her as a "stepping stone"
then Faith is coming off as a "friend," as opposed
to a woman they'll FALL IN LOVE with.
The key to this is Boundaries.
NOT UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE, but putting
HERSELF FIRST.
Yes, I'm talking a little prima donna here.
Seems to me Faith could go way in that
direction before actually even looking a little
bit like a diva.
And now I'm going to ask the million dollar
question:
Why is Faith giving so much of her energy, her
thoughts, her time and her heart to this man?
And if you're experiencing some of the same
issues as Faith, perhaps over and over again, ask
yourself: Why am I giving so much of MY energy, my
thoughts, my time and my heart to ANY man?
Is HE DESERVING of all your wonderfulness
because he's giving YOU so much more of HIS
energy, thoughts, time and heart?
Because YOU loving HIM isn't a good enough
reason.
He has to love YOU.
And he has to ACT LIKE HE LOVES YOU.
He has to actively DEMONSTRATE that he loves
you.
He has to be giving to you, wanting to be with
you, offering you HIS energy, thoughts, time and
heart.
If he isn't, then you have to be brave.
You have to tell yourself you're very brave -
because you ARE - and then do these things I'm
going to share with you here.
Even if it's scary, you have to do them:
First, you have to be brave and LOOK AT - and
really SEE - exactly where you're at with him.
Think of yourself as FEARLESS.
Fearless isn't being WITHOUT fear, because
We're ALL TERRIFIED of all the same things.
Fearless means being brave and going ahead,
little baby step by little baby step, even if
you're FEELING fear.
And If I could do it, you can do it.
At first it feels weird, but then you'll get
used to it.
In fact, instead of feeling frightened about
the same old things - you'll start to feel
EMPOWERED!
And if you're in a situation like Faith is, and
you look fearlessly at where you are with this
man, you'll see that you're square in an Imaginary
Relationship.
If a man is seeing other women, THERE IS NO
RELATIONSHIP.
You are "Dating" him.
And the second important thing to really see -
and it might shake up the way you think about love
and relationships, but it's really true - is that
there's NOTHING WRONG with "Dating" him!
In fact, it could be a VERY GOOD thing for you
right now.
How can it be a Good Thing?
For Faith, it could give her the time she needs
to get a FIRST-CLASS GODDESS view of HERSELF,
instead of falling in line with this man's SECOND-
CLASS "Good Woman" view of her.
It could give her time to practice Tools that
will change his image of her as a "friend with
benefits," which seems to be where he's got her
placed in his heart right now.
It could give her time to see if, perhaps, the
most important (and very unromantic) thing to this
particular man is being with a financially
independent, or even independently "wealthy"
woman.
Perhaps he doesn't truly care, in his heart,
for ANYONE.
Perhaps he's not capable.
Perhaps he's actually UNAVAILABLE in an
emotional sense.
Perhaps Faith, like I did, chooses, over and
over and over again, men who are NOT available to
her, and so USE HER as a "stepping stone."
In order to stop this pattern of being the
"girl he's with just before he meets his ONE for
life" with man after man, Faith has to stop BEING
a Stepping Stone.
So what are the qualities of a human stepping
stone? What would stepping-stone-ness look like
for you?
One, a "stepping stone" is always
"understanding," even if it means you're being
"understanding" about why he's TREATING you as a
Second-Class but "Good Woman" - a Stepping Stone.
Two, a stepping stone puts out energy, in any
and all ways, towards a man who is not reaching
out to YOU.
Three, a stepping stone considers a man who is
in the process of "Dating" to be anything other
than a "Date" for YOU.
And four, spending ANY of your thoughts and
your heart, as Faith is doing, trying to figure
him out, or even CARING about what he does or
thinks or feels when he's not with you and caring
and thinking and feeling about YOU, is "stepping
stone" thinking.
(You can see how Faith is getting herself into
this bind when she talks about this other woman,
and analyzes her man's choice to be with her as
"shallow." A woman who believes, or even just
tells herself that she's a First-Class Goddess
wouldn't even give this man's situation or mental
state her time of day.)
To solve all of these issues, Faith's answer is
to BRIDGE - to Love Herself Best and Focus On
Herself First - and the best and fastest way to do
that right this minute is to practice with as many
men as possible by DATING.
And if you're finding yourself in Faith's
situation, where men turn you into "friends" and
then quickly meet another woman, fall in love with
her and marry her in record time, you must Bridge
- and DATE - too.
I'm serious. I mean get yourself online at
Match.com, call all your friends and ask them to
fix you up, go to speed dating events - if you can
afford it sign up for "It's Just Lunch" in your
city, or even a matchmaker.
Once you get out there and start practicing my
Tools - all of them - on every man you meet, and
date, and start to see how the energy exchange
goes back and forth - you'll see what's holding
you back.
And you'll also see what you can HAVE!
Bridging is not about searching for Mr. Right.
It's about practicing the Rori Raye Tools on
men, and WITH men.
It's about learning about yourself, and
discovering how strong inside you really are and
how good you can really FEEL.
How powerful and Goddessey you really are - and
FEELING it!
It's about thinking of yourself as First-Class
and REQUIRING - as Qualification #1 to giving ANY
energy, thought, time or heart to any man - that
HE TREAT YOU AS FIRST-CLASS.
We'll talk more in another eLetter about how
low self-esteem plays into all this and how you
can raise your feelings about yourself quickly,
but for now, focus on what it would feel like to
believe you are a First-Class Goddess, and to
require First-Class Goddess Treatment by a man.
Here's what First-Class Goddess - YOU - looks
like:
1. Even if he's dating other women, he doesn't
use you as a "friend" to talk to, or a shoulder to
cry on while he's working things out for himself -
and he won't do this because YOU WON'T ALLOW IT.
2. He calls you in advance for dates, checks in
on you often, asks you how you FEEL before he
makes a serious decision, but is able to make
decisions without asking you what he should be
doing.
3. He doesn't just "talk" about his feelings
for you - he actually DOES things that move the
relationship forward.
4. In a REAL relationship, the man GIVES, and
the woman GIVES BACK.
If he's not giving, there's nothing to give
back.
A woman who believes in her First-Class Goddess
status - that's YOU - will never GIVE to a man in
the HOPE that HE'LL GIVE BACK.
It just doesn't work that way.
So, hang onto yourself.
Put on your Goddess Tiara. (A necklace or
bracelet you love will do nicely.)
Then get out there.
Experiment with Bridging, dating and flirting,
stop worrying about or even thinking about how you
can better "understand" any man's mental and
emotional state, and start FOCUSING your LOVE on
YOU.
I know firsthand how scary it is to turn your
back on men who are not available, either
logistically or emotionally, and instead, OPEN
YOUR HEART to men who ARE available.
And I know that it's even scarier to open your
heart to an available man who truly WANTS YOU.
I also know you can turn this around, and fast.
If I was able to get over my fears about real
intimacy by learning to love myself in the
presence of men - by dating them, working with
them, and talking with them in new ways, and
without any help at all. I know that, with just my
Tools, you can, too.
If you'd like to learn new ways to talk and
relate to men so that they'll instantly think of
you as a First-Class Goddess instead of a
"stepping stone," you'll want to take a look at my
Reconnect Your Relationship CD set.
It's filled with fast, simple Tools that will
give you the help you need (and the Tools I wish
I'd had on my own journey to my husband and the
great marriage I have now).
Learn more about "Reconnect" and listen to a
bit of it right here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/e/19440/Reconnect/?cid=ZVSYZZ&lid=3
I so look forward to hearing about your every
good result, no matter how small - the little ones
will grow into huge ones faster than you can
imagine - so let me know how these Tools are
helping you.
Love, Rori
P.S: To make sure you successfully receive my relationship
advice newsletter (packed with tools to help you create the loving,
secure, “woo-woo” relationship you’ve always wanted) you may
want to take a moment to add me to your address book.
For a quick list of the exact steps to do that, just go here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Support/WhiteList/?s=19440&e=1&cid=ZVSYZZ&lid=3
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