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Fri., Sep. 11, 2009 12:55 PM PDT by Josh Grossberg and Whitney English

Stimulus Explained

Remember when most tax payers recieved a stimulus check, in the hopes we would go spend the money, and stimulate the economy? Well here is something funny I came across, regarding that money. A little late, but still funny.

The Stimulus Explained

This year we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

Spending it at yard sales.
Going to ball games.
Spending it on prostitutes.
Beer.
Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

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High Priced Bull

Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, “How’s our bull doing?”

Frank says, “Our bull ain’t doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don’t want nothing to do with them.”

The banker says, “You better call the veterinarian.” Frank agrees.

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, “How’s our bull doing now?”

Frank says, “Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors’ cows.”

The banker says, “Wow! What did the Vet give him?”

Frank says, “He gave him some pills.”

The banker says, “What kind of pills?”

Frank says, “I don’t know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint.”